Отправлено: 10.12.10 07:54. Заголовок: Teacher Jokes

laughing AT teachers and WITH teachers!

 Отправлено: 10.12.10 07:54. Заголовок: Teacher: Can anyone ..

Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze ?
Pupil: Hot water !

Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days ?
Pupil: All of them !

Why was the head teacher worried ?
Because there were so many rulers in the school !

Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line ?
Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there !

Teacher: If I bought a hundred current buns for a dollar, what would each bun be ?
Pupil: Stale !

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !

Teacher: What is can't short for ?
Pupil: Cannot miss
Teacher: and what is don't short for
Pupil: Doughnut !

Teacher: Can anyone tell me what the Dog Star is ?
Pupil: Lassie !

Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in Russia ?
Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !

Teacher: Why are you standing on your head ?
Pupil: I'm just turning over things in my mind, sir !

 Отправлено: 10.12.10 07:55. Заголовок: Teacher: Can anyone ..

Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year ?
Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!

Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say about that?
Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday !

Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you ?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back !

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions ?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here !

Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age ?
Pupil: The sausage !

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !

Teacher: You new here aren't you, what's your name ?
Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith
Teacher: I'll call you Fred Smith then.
Pupil: My dad won't like that.
Teacher: Why is that ?
Pupil: He doesn't like people taking the Mickey out of my name !

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses ?
Because his class was so bright !

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher ?
He couldn't control his pupils !

Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to ?
Pupil: Nobody I know !

 Отправлено: 10.12.10 07:56. Заголовок: TEACHER: why are you..

TEACHER: why are you late for school again?
PUPIL: I stopped two boys fighting, sir.
TEACHER: Well done. How did you manage that?
PUPIL: I kicked both of them, sir.

TEACHER: Sadie, why are you crawling into school ten minutes late?
PUPIL: Because you told me never to walk into school late again.

You missed school yesterday, didn't you?
No, sir, not a bit.

TEACHER: Now, children, this afternoon I'm going to tell you all about a gorilla.
So pay attention, all of you: If, you don't look at me you'll never know what a gorilla is.

 Отправлено: 10.12.10 07:56. Заголовок: TEACHER: Now, if I g..

TEACHER: Now, if I gave you three rabbits, then the next day I gave you five rabbits, how many would you have?
PUPIL: Nine, sir.
TEACHER: Nine?
PUPIL: Yes, sir. I've got one already!

TEACHER: Why are you late?
PUPIL: Please, sir, the sign outside the school says, `GO SLOW, CHILDREN!'

TEACHER: Why are you late?
PUPIL: I must have over washed, sir.

PUPIL: I'm sorry I'm late, sir. I was having a dream about football.
TEACHER: How did that make you late for school?
PUPIL: They played extra time.

TEACHER: You're late again!
PUPIL: Sorry, sir, I overslept.
TEACHER: You mean you sleep at home as well as here?

TEACHER (to noisy class): Every time I open my mouth, some fool speaks.

Teacher, teacher, why do you call me `Pilgrim'?
Because you're making a little progress. .

TEACHER: Today I'm going to instruct you on Mount Everest.
Pupil: Will we be back for lunch, sir?

TEACHER: Fiona, give me a sentence containing the word `gruesome'.
FIONA: My dad didn't shave for a week and grew some whiskers.

 Отправлено: 10.12.10 08:10. Заголовок: TEACHER: What is the..

TEACHER: What is the climate of New Zealand like?
PUPIL: Very cold, Sir.
TEACHER: Wrong.
PUPIL: But, Sir, when they send us meat, it always arrives frozen.

PUPIL: What's the difference between wages and a salary, sir?
TEACHER: Well, if you get paid wages, you get paid every week, but if you get paid a salary, you get paid every month. For example, I get a salary and I'm paid every month.
PUPIL: Really? Where do you work, sir?

TEACHER: You're late! You should have been here at nine o'clock.
PUPIL: Why, sir, what happened?

TEACHER: If eggs were fifty pence a dozen, how many would you get for thirty pence?
PUPIL: None.
TEACHER: None?
PUPIL: If I had thirty pence I'd buy a bag of crisps.

TEACHER: What is the opposite of misery?
PUPIL: Happiness, Sir.
TEACHER: Good. And what is the opposite of sadness?
PUPIL: Gladness.
TEACHER: Excellent. And what is the opposite of woe?
PUPIL: Gee up.

TEACHER: Alan, give me a sentence starting with `I'.
PUPIL: I is
TEACHER: No. You must always say `I am...'
PUPIL: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

 Отправлено: 10.12.10 08:12. Заголовок: MOTHER: How was your..

MOTHER: How was your first day at school?
PUPIL: OK, except for some bloke called Sir, who kept spoiling the fun.

TEACHER: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
PUPIL: I didn't even know it was ill.

`Son!' roared his father. `Come here! What's all this about? Your teacher says he finds it impossible to teach you anything!'
`I told you he was no good,' said his son.

PUPIL: But, sir, I don't think I deserve to get nought for my homework.
TEACHER: You don't, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

TEACHER: If I had four apples in my right hand and five apples in my left hand, what have I got?
PUPIL: Awfully big hands, sir.

TEACHER: Why weren't you in school yesterday?
PUPIL: I was sick, sir.
TEACHER: Sick of what?
PUPIL: Sick of school.

TEACHER: Who let the air out of the bus tyre?
PUPIL: The nail did, sir!

TEACHER: What are you reading?
PUPIL: I dunno.
TEACHER: But you're reading aloud.
PUPIL: I know, but I'm not listening.

TEACHER: What would you say if I came to school with a face like yours?
PUPIL: I'd be too polite to mention it.

PUPIL: Miss, I ain't got a pencil.
TEACHER: No, not ain't. I haven't got a pencil, they haven't got a pencil, we haven't got a pencil, you haven't got a pencil.
PUPIL: Gosh, miss, what's happened to all the pencils?

 Отправлено: 10.12.10 08:12. Заголовок: TEACHER: Where do bu..

TEACHER: Where do bugs go in winter?
PUPIL: Search me.
TEACHER: No, thanks, I just wondered if you knew.

TEACHGER: Sssshhh! The people next to you can't read.
SECOND GRADER: What a shame! I've been reading since last year.

TEACHER: Why are you laughing?
PUPIL: I'm sorry I was just thinking of something.
TEACHER: Once and for all, Laura, remember that during school hours you're not supposed to think!

TEACHER: Where do blue eggs come from?
PUPIL: From sad chickens

TEACHER: Emma, spell mouse.
PUPIL: M O U S.
TEACHER: Yes and what's on the end of it?
PUPIL: A tail?

Is your teacher strict?
I don't know. I'm too scared to ask.

TEACHER: This apple you gave me has some strange marks on it.
PUPIL: Well, so does the report card you gave me.

TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER: What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

TEACHER: An anonymous person is one who doesn't wish to be known.
PUPIL: What a stupid definition!
TEACHER: Who said that?
PUPIL: An anonymous person.

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
PUPIL: Don't bite any.

 Отправлено: 10.12.10 08:16. Заголовок: It's not going t..

It's not going to school that bothers me so much;
it's the principal of the thing.

Teachers act like they know all the answers.
Why shouldn't they? They're the ones that make up all the questions.

TEACHER: I'm surprised. You should know the answer to that question.
PUPIL: Well, maybe I will when I get to be your age.

If teachers are so smart,
how come their book is the only one with the answers in it?

I have one teacher who is so forgetful he gave the same test three weeks in a row
If he does that two more times, I may pass it.

One of our teachers is a real grouch.
He seems to hate school more than we do.

One of our teachers used to be a Drill Instructor in the Marines,
but they had to let him go. He was too tough on the guys.

We have one teacher who is so tough,
when he calls the roll even kids who are present pretend they're absent.

None of the students likes this one teacher.
Last year the kids brought him 37 apples. Only two of them weren't ticking.

I had one teacher who was so absent minded, once she even forgot to give us grades.
It was the highest mark I ever got in that class.

 Отправлено: 10.12.10 08:17. Заголовок: I have one teacher w..

I have one teacher who will accept no excuse for being late to school.
I know. I've tried them all.

One of our teachers dislikes kids.
On our last exam, we all had points taken off for being under 21.

We had one very forgetful teacher.
The first thing he did when he came into the classroom was write his name on the blackboard. And every day it was a different name.

I have one teacher who doesn't like kids.
He says if it weren't for schoolchildren, he could have the rest of the day off.

TEACHER: Naomi, I don't know what I'm going to do with you.
PUPIL: Now you know how I felt yesterday during the math exam.

TEACHER: You're in real trouble now, Young Man.
PUPIL: Good. I hate to bring my parents to the Principal's office for fake trouble.

TEACHER: Mr. and Mrs. Smith, I'm sorry that I have to bring you here to school so often.
MRS. SMITH: Oh, that's quite all right. This is the only time we get to go out.

TEACHER: Mrs. Jones, your son is a constant trouble maker. How do you put up with him?
MRS. JONES: I can't. That's why I send him to school.

TEACHER: Mrs. Smith, your son is a trouble maker and we'd like to know what you're going to do about it.
MRS. SMITH: I don't have time to do anything about it. I'm too busy running back and forth to school.

TEACHER: Sometimes I think you come to school just to cause trouble.
PUPIL: No, but I figure as long as I'm here . . .

 Отправлено: 10.12.10 08:18. Заголовок: TEACHER: I want you ..

TEACHER: I want you to report to the Principal's office.
PUPIL: But I didn't do anything.
TEACHER: I know, but this will save you a trip when you do.

TEACHER: I want you to bring your parents to school tomorrow.
PUPIL: I don't think they can make it. Would my parole officer do?

TEACHER: You were told to bring your parents to school today. Where are they?
PUPIL: They wouldn't come. They don't like school any more than I do.

TEACHER: Every time I turn around I catch you doing something you're not supposed to be doing. What can we do about that?
PUPIL: Tell me when you're going to turn around.

TEACHER: You're the number one trouble maker in this class.
PUPIL: See? And my parents said I'd never amount to anything.

TEACHER: Young man, I'm going to give you a punishment you won't soon forget.
PUPIL: Good, because I sure can't remember anything you teach us.

 Отправлено: 10.12.10 08:20. Заголовок: Teacher: What's ..

Teacher: What's you name ?
Pupil: Fred
Teacher: You should say "Sir"
Pupil: OK, Sir Fred !

Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of
Pupil: Life imprisonment !

Teacher: Name four members of the cat family
Pupil: Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens !

Teacher: What is further away, Australia or the Moon ?
Pupil: Australia, you can see the Moon at night !

Teacher: Fred can you find me Australia on the map please ?
Pupil: There it is
Teacher: Now, Louise, who discovered Australia ?
Pupil: Fred did !

Pupil: I wished we lived in the olden days
Teacher: Why is that ?
Pupil: We wouldn't have so much history to learn !

Teacher: What kind of birds do you find in captivity?
Pupil: Jailbirds !

Teacher: What is the plural of mouse ?
Pupil: Mice
Teacher: Good, now what's the plural of baby ?
Pupil: Twins !

Teacher: What's the longest word in the English language ?
Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters !

Teacher: I despair, Fred, how do you manage to get so many things wrong in a day ?
Pupil: Because I always get here early sir !

 Отправлено: 10.12.10 08:21. Заголовок: Teacher: Can anyone ..

Teacher: Can anyone tell me what the wife of a Sultan is called ?
Pupil: A sultana !

Teacher: Where are elephants found ?
Pupil: I don't know, they are so big I didn't think they could get lost !

Teacher: If you add 34,312 + 76,188, divide the answer by 3 and times by 4, what do you get ?
Pupil: The wrong answer !

Teacher: If there are seven flies a desk and I hit one with a ruler, how many are left ?
Pupil: Just the squashed one !

Teacher: I wished you would pay a little attention
Pupil: I'm paying as little as I can !

Teacher: In what part of the world are the people most ignorant ?
Pupil: Hong Kong
Teacher: Why do you say that ?
Pupil: That's where the atlas says the population is most dense !

Teacher: You seem very well read, have you read Shakespeare ?
Pupil: No
Teacher: What have you read then ?
Pupil: Umm, I've got red hair !

Teacher: In music, if "f" means "forte", what does "ff" mean ?
Pupil: Eighty

Teacher: R-O-X does spell rocks?
Pupil: What does it spell then !

Pupil: Do hams grow on plants ?
Teacher: No, it's a meat
Pupil: So what's an ambush then !

 Отправлено: 10.12.10 08:22. Заголовок: Teacher: What a glum..

Teacher: What a glum face, what would you say if I came to school with a face like yours ?
Pupil: I'd be too polite to mention it !

Teacher: What are you reading ?
Pupil: I don't know
Teacher: But your reading aloud ?
Pupil: But I'm not listening !

Teacher: Can you tell me something important that didn't exist 100 years ago ?
Pupil: Me !

Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears, do you have an infection ?
Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!

Teacher: How can you prove the world is round ?
Pupil: I didn't say it was !

Teacher: Name two pronouns ?
Pupil: Who ?, me ?

Teacher: What's an American Indian's wife called ?
Pupil: A squaw
Teacher: That's right, and what are their babies called ?
Pupil: Squawkers !

Teacher: Fred, I told you to write this poem out 10 times to improve your handwriting and you've only done it 7 times ?
Pupil: Looks like my counting isn't too good either !

Teacher: Fred, I'm glad to see your writing has improved.
Pupil: Thank you
Teacher: Now I can see how bad your spelling is though !

Pupil: The art teacher doesn't like what I'm making ?
Dad: Why is that, what are you making ?
Pupil: Mistakes !

 Отправлено: 05.12.11 16:34. Заголовок: Political correctness in a classroom

- No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
- You don't have detention, you're just one of the"exit delayed."
- Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
- These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
- Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
- Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
- Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
- You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
- You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
- You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
- You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
- No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
- You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
- You don't talk a lot.. You're just "abundantly verbal."
- You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
- You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
- It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
- The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."